Mehab. It's a real thing, I swear

Where have I been?! I basically just went through mehab. I'm not pointing fingers, but let's be honest, somewhere along the line I should have been given some pointers on how to grow up (guidance counsellors and parents, I'm looking at you). Since I didn't get the pointers, or wasn't listening or something, I have gone to mehab instead. It's kinda like rehab, only instead of correcting my behaviours where drugs/alcohol/whatever other vice are concerned, I took the time to learn all kinds of great new habits that I probably should have already picked up as an adult.

There, since I've made up mehab, I've also just made up the first step in the mehab treatment process: admit you are an adult. I'm already rocking this recovery plan. That I invented. Shut up.

So what did my mehab involve? Well, I could say I disconnected a little bit...but if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram or anywhere else online, you know that's sort of a fib. So basically, other than blogging, I was still around. But the blogging part was on my mind....I just wasn't in a place where I could produce output, you know? I spent a lot of time absorbing information and thinking about all sorts of things related to who I've become and what I would rather be (and what I do actually like about who I am). And I also covered some basics like learning how to walk again (thank you, amazing physiotherapist who is kicking my ass and correcting two years of injury issues) and how to eat again.

The eating thing is actually a huge one for me. There's this blogger, Danielle, over at Sometimes Sweet and back in the beginning of February she challenged her readers to eat clean. She also added the part about dropped sugar as it related to her, but since I have a sordid saccharine history, I included that in my plan too. This challenge coincided with moving into our flat and having almost nothing in our cupboards as well as me having all the time in the world, so it was the perfect way to embrace a new pattern of eating. And so we did. I've gone from a sugar-heavy diet of "I thought I ate really well" to turning my back on sugar and really embracing food changes that are more meaningful and beneficial for my body. To say that this has been a huge change is probably an understatement.

I've had serious improvements in my body, skin and moods and in the most recent two weeks, it has shown dramatically. We've had guests for a while now and my routines are off, which means my choices are bad and my diet has suffered. The hiccups are so evident and I'm hating how difficult it is to make better choices when my life is disrupted, so that's something I need to work toward overcoming. I truly believe spending more time in picking up recipes that I love and can make easily will make a difference on that front. Thankfully I've been exposed to so many amazing blogs and clean eating resources, so recipes are plentiful.

In any case, Danielle, some woman in the United States, whom I've never met (and likely never will), changed my life. The internet is powerful ya'll!

egg and feta kale bake - my favourite clean eating meal from Running to the Kitchen

And now I'm going to spend some of my Easter afternoon lying on the couch in a puddle of technicolour snot-filled tissues moaning to the internet about how I hate getting sick. Cheers!

Oh look, it's Wednesday

This last little while has been full of much-needed me time. After the commotion of trying to settle in and set up our new home (or get as close to finished as I can for the moment) I felt exhausted and also couldn't quite figure out how to manage my new routine. As if adapting to British living and exploring the neighbourhood weren't enough, I took on all the laundry, ironing, house work, shopping and, don't die from shock....in fact, if you know me well, sit down.....I also do all of our cooking now. Yeah, I know. I'll let that soak in a minute.

I found I needed a little break from talking about things. I have told my parents a few bits and pieces, but FaceTime has been very useful in letting me know that people really don't get as excited as I do about things like finding the perfect garbage can, the back-and-forth ordeal with my recent trolley purchase (spoiler: it was resolved and I love my trolley), and, as I learned today, not everyone shares my enthusiasm over finding the best glass/mirror cleaner I've ever used. Seriously, this stuff is incredible and I now fully trust that man in the little hardware store. He will always get my business first, if ever necessary.

Last week had me back at a doctor's office. I actually got in touch with my specialist in Ottawa and explained to her that I need help. My leg is painful far too often and, for a while there, the colour was going off again. On her recommendation I contacted a doctor who deals in "difficult" cases. I've seen a few really impressive docs, but I think he might have the best resume. He's also lovely and things move quickly in his clinic. I had my appointment on the Thursday. Friday morning I had my ultrasound and X-ray and tomorrow, because they cannot do it in-house at the clinic, I've been farmed out to a hospital for my CT scan. Optional MRI back at the clinic may follow if warranted. To say I'm thrilled with my treatment thus far is an understatement. Now, it is private care, so I can expect things will be top notch, but it also happens to be the clinic where all of the London-based football teams send their stars for treatment, so I'm in good company. Will I finally get this chronic injury resolved? I don't know. I can only hope that they've got an idea that my Canadian team hadn't considered. I'm hopeful. Above all, it does give me a different perspective on health care and the state of the Canadian health care system. I'm dismayed when I think about the way my injury was first treated in light of the conversations I've had with my new doctor here. I know we have a lot to be proud of in Canada when it comes to our health care, but in retrospect, it feels like some backwater village in terms of priorities and advocacy for the patient. Without becoming mired in a conversation I don't quite feel I'm prepared to have at the moment, I do know that I'm incredibly grateful for the chance to be able to access private health care coverage in ways that I could only dream of in Ontario. I know just how lucky I am.

Oh hey, let's lighten this up! Here's a picture of coffee....I'm going to go make coffee now...

 

 

One whole month

We've now been here for one month. Well, except for the time we spent over Christmas, but let's not be picky, ok? It definitely doesn't feel like we've been here a month (again, let's ignore that time away, ok...I mean, really, stop fixating while I'm making a point). I suppose I don't have a lot of ways to mark time at the moment. I don't have to keep an eye on my calendar. I don't have important dates or times to remember. There isn't anywhere I'm expected to be on any given day now, which is an entirely new and, sometimes, overwhelming concept.

I'm pretty sure that part of the reason why I haven't felt time move along is that I've been fortunate enough to maintain contact with my family and friends through all manner of Internet-enabled communication. My parents and I have been using FaceTime, but also WhatsApp which has allowed us to carry on much like we did when I lived in Canada. I love that we can text each other and respond in our own time. It's free, so you're never second-guessing the cost of sending a text about the weather or something funny or inane. My dad has also been really good about sending photos along of the pets we had to leave behind with them and that's made a huge diffence too....though I do wish I could hug their little furry bodies close and talk gibberish to them (James doesn't respond in quite the same pleased manner when I do that to him...).

Penny (my photo)

Molly (my photo)

The best part about the month we've had here is how consistently happy I am here. I suspect this is in part a result of the glow of a recent move and clearly from having zero real commitments. But I also just feel very good here. I like this city. There are so many nooks and crannies to explore and the history is just rampant. I had a conversation with a Brit the other day about how we don't have "old" in Canada the way they have "old" here. She hasn't been to Canada, but upon explaining it, she could see where I was coming from and, I'm so happy to say that she understood the allure of being in the presence of something as special as a thousand year old building; she felt that way too. Because I've had such limited exposure to people (who are not my relatives) in a social setting here, it's been hard to know how the general population feels. Sometimes when I'm riding the tube and smiling like a damn fool about where I am, I just want to exclaim to anyone who will listen about where we are, as if they aren't aware...like a crazy person. I should keep those exclamations in my head...

Anyway, all this to say, it's been a month and I couldn't be happier (ok, well, that's a lie...I could have a pony...).

 

17 November 2011

So much quiet

I have wanted to write so badly this past week. But I can't bring myself to put my fingers to the smooth, flat glass and actually make the words come out. After some thought on the subject, I feel that the reason I can't bring myself to write is that with each passing day we come closer to leaving and I don't want to brood on the subject any more than I already am. I'm living my own pattern of excitement and loss in a bizarre tidal wave of emotions. As much as I'd like to spare myself the tedium of reliving each passing day by writing about it, that's what I actually wanted to do when I set out on this blog. So even if it's only a few lines, or an image that conveys my feelings of the day, that's what will happen.

19 October 2011

Coming Clean

It bears pointing out that I am very excited about this move. As much as I know I'm going to complain, cry and generally find our itinerant lifestyle tedious over the next few months (ok, who are we kidding, right until we're in our own flat in March), I also acknowledge how incredibly lucky we are to be in this position. Not everyone gets this sort of opportunity. And certainly not with the same level of financial support. We are lucky. 

There. I've acknowledged it. I thank my lucky stars constantly that we're going, but that doesn't mean I can't do a little complaining and be honest about my situation. So, I'm going to complain in the upcoming two years, ok? But let's all remember that this post happened so that I don't have to worry about if people think I'm a spoiled diva or something. Apologies in advance for giving you that impression.

Awesome. Moving on.

16 October 2011

It's kinda like...

I figured out this feeling I have all the time: it's low-level anticipation. It's the kind of anticipation you get when you're waiting for Christmas. Or your birthday, if you're not down with Christmas. Or maybe Halloween. Maybe you're just really into Halloween. Regardless, it's the type of anticipation that you can't do anything about. The date is fixed. You can't speed up time and you can't skip a few days to get there sooner. You just have to wait. And wait. And wait.

So I'm waiting.

The one really poor thing about this type of anticipation, however, is that (for me, at least) it leads to inactivity. I get so consumed by the end that I forget I have to continue living my life until it arrives. I can't just sit around the house hitting "sync" in Byline Reader on my iPad. Or playing endless rounds of backgammon against the computer as the clock slowly counts down. Heaven help me if that's how I spend my last less-than-two months in Canada.

My new mission is to include more "living" and less "waiting" into the daily routine. I have to get out there and see friends. I should probably also consider starting packing piles. And maybe plan a few going away parties. Probably a birthday party too, considering my 30th birthday will take place three days before we board our plane.

Right, time to crack on.

3 October 2011

Not feeling it

Everything has been so time-consuming lately and it's left me feeling as though I'm disappointing a lot of people. I don't have time to do it all and it's starting to wear on me. I want to be able to see everyone and spend time with the people I care about, but I'm also stressed about not getting everything done in time for the move. It feels, a lot of the time, like people don't understand the amount of work this is for us. And for me especially, with work being a lot more hectic in the next couple of months for various reasons. I hate being made to feel as though I'm letting people down when I can't do it all, attend everything, commit to each person exactly when they want me to be there. I've never handled that well in the best of times, so right now is even more anxiety-inducing for me. I don't like the idea that I'll be leaving for two years, having disappointed the majority of the people I love and care for.

27 September 2011

A little tiny freakout

Ok, so I was out with the dog this morning and thinking about the move...and then my stomach lurched. The time of day and the quality of the light reminded me of my first morning in England and the light around St. Pancras. I've had a few "whoa, this is happening" moments in the last few months, but none that were quite so vivid.

I'm so going to be that girl at the airport crying her eyes out as we depart from Canada.

7 September 2011

99

The stress is making me sick. There's a cold coming on and I just want to walk out the door and leave now. The piddly nit-picky parts of packing/prepping have worn on my nerves and I feel lonely all the time.

26 August 2011

A little underwhelmed

I've stalled a little....did you notice? First of all, I've told next to no one where to find this, so I know that I'm writing without the pressure of a dedicated audience (save for the few who have found me, clever you!). And I've also found it hard to write about the unknown. In many ways aspects of this trip are completely unknown to me yet and I have this notion in my head that I must write about the concrete and in multiple paragraphs with deep insight.

I'm going to blame this fixation on the other, more talented writers in my life whom I'm terribly fortunate to know, such as Wayne K Spear and Joel Crary. Every day as my RSS reader picks up stories from their respective blogs I am equal parts eager to read and dread to be reminded of my own languishing blog. Truth be told, both of these men are writers. It is their actual occupation and it's unfair for me to make comparisons between their output and my own. It's like repainting the bathroom and then throwing up my hands in disgust that I didn't recreate a faithful copy of "Le déjeuner sur l'herbe." I'm just that critical and unfair to myself.

Since I'm here though, I should point out that I have a notebook quickly being stuffed with ideas for writing and topics to explore. So, I'm getting there. If I can be permitted my awkward growing stage, I'm sure I'll find a way to maintain this that is both comfortable for me and interesting for you (the "you" who are already here and the "you" I will eventually share this with). For now that might mean getting up early to write....I read about this concept yesterday in an article that gave advice akin to the idea that an hour of work before noon is worth two after noon. Call me selfish, but I'd like that hour to belong to me right now.

11 August 2011

One way ticket and the power of TSP

I've been reeling over the entire situation for a few weeks, clearly, but James said something the other day that completely hit me: when we get on that plane in December (in four months), we will be boarding with a one-way ticket. There's no return ticket here. We're off and going, for real. I've been getting tiny little lurches in my stomach thinking about this and what it means.

In getting my mind space ready, I've been thinking about our physical space and what needs to be done to clear out and pack. It all comes down to TSP. TSP is one of my family's favourite cleaning solutions. When we move into a new space, we always wash down the walls with TSP, even my lonely little rental apartments. When you clean the walls so thoroughly it makes a space truly your own. So in getting my personal space ready for this move, I'm going to be using T.S.P.: take, store, purge. If I'm not taking it and I don't feel like it's worth storing, then I must purge. We'll see what makes the cut.

1 August 2011

Snakes and cap guns

Tonight was the first night since we decided we're going that I'm genuinely sad to be leaving. Ironically, my night was spent at a going away party for two friends moving to Montreal. I'm getting to a place where I'm finally comfortable with the people in my life and truly excited that they're in my life....and we're leaving. I don't regret the decision to go, but as I've started thinking about all the people with whom I'd like to spend time before I go, I realize that I'm going to miss this group of people more than I believe I would have missed other groups in various times of my life.,,,if that makes any sense.

Two years isn't an especially long time, but it seems like a long enough stretch when faced with the knowledge that this group will change and evolve in my absence. I suppose it's all a gamble, but I'm going to miss them terribly.

30 July 2011

D-E-G and so on

I had a moment tonight where it was just James and I and we were doing something together. It was spontaneous and exactly what I needed at that exact moment. I'm so very thankful that those moments exist and I'm reminded that, though our surroundings may alter and our "normal" turned on its head, we'll have each other through it all and, very likely, more of those moments.

And, just to really bring this back on topic to London, here:

28 July 2011

Nothing to report

Ok, can I just say, I have nothing mind-blowing or insightful or overly humourous to say. I'm just really relishing the idea that I'm going to be living in London soon. When the years started passing and James and I set up some roots here in Ottawa, I truly believed my "get up and move a zillion miles away" stage was over and that I'd missed my chance. But here it is and I'm spending a lot of my waking hours thinking about how lucky we are and how much of an adventure this is all going to be. And in London, of all places.....when I used to think, in my internal story, where I'd imagine myself living it has always been London. *sigh*

Not everyone gets the chance to uproot themselves and start over somewhere in the safest and most secure situations. We really do have an incredible opportunity unfolding for us.

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